My Wife’s Ride
…is a Swagger Wagon. We’re so gangsta.
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The Comcast Conundrum
Can you think of another company that has the best product in its category but is so reviled by its customer base (and potential customer base) that it’s also an industry whipping post?
I was watching T.V. last night, only to come upon a commercial in which I learned that Comcast “guarantees” the best service in the industry. My wife turns to me and replies, “Or what?”
Yes indeed. Or what? What if I find Comcast’s LACK of customer service so off-putting, so inept, so comical that I would literally step over my own mother to get to a new provider? (Oh, right — I can’t get WOW where I live, Uverse isn’t available “yet,” and I can’t get HD satellite in my neighborhood.) Who do I complain to? And what do I receive as recompense?
Well, about a year ago, I found out. In a progressive approach, the likes of which have been heretofore unseen since Gunga clubbed Mosha over the head in a rite of romantic foreplay, Comcast reached out to me via Twitter, having learned of my dissatisfaction in that very medium. Wow. So 21st-century. What came of that, you ask? Well, I was routed into customer-service hell, where I was placed on hold for 15 minutes—twice—and disconnected from my call—twice—only to be hung up on with no resolution to my issue.
SO…where do I go now to redeem my Comcast guarantee, pray tell? If anyone learns of what I’m owed, please let me know. Comcast can get in line behind the Nigerian prince who is ironing out some probate work for me as we speak.
The ironic thing is this: Shop around…I still think Comcast has the best product. The most channels, the best On-Demand, a decent DVR system. But you will be hard pressed to find anyone willing to utter the words “I love Comcast.” Go ahead. Try and find someone.
How hard can it be to serve the customer the way they want to be served? Comcast is now pretending to devote significant effort and resources to this. I hope they get it right. But the sadistic side of me hopes someone comes in and builds the better mousetrap before Comcast gets the chance. I mean, they’ve only been at this 20 years or so.
RELATED: And if you like Comcast, you’re going to love government-run health care. Bigger and badder than Comcast, the U.S. government is now going to “guarantee” us all sorts of goodies. But to whom do we turn/complain if we’re not getting the service we feel we deserve? I guess the same place we go when the U.S. Postal Service loses our important two-day package some three days after the promised delivery date. The Department of SOL.
On Love, Life, Death and the Arts
On a recent train ride from Detroit to Chicago, I experienced one of those rare life experiences that is often called an “epiphany” by pseudo-intellectuals who are trying to sound smart or something. I have heard this word defined many different ways over the years, from “awakening” and “enlightenment,” to “three pounds of hog fat on which field mice tend to fornicate.” While I am certain that I had not experienced the latter, what came over me could easily be defined by the former.
For the duration of this trip — perhaps better defined as a journey — I whiled away the hours in a pensive state, staring out the window and pondering many of life’s unanswered questions: What is the meaning of life? What is true love? Where the hell’s my drink? Is there an afterlife? Who thought up pinball and what’s the connection with Evel Knievel? The list goes on. Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, everything seemed to make perfect sense. There, right before my eyes, like a ghostly apparition floating into my quarters while I sleep, I witnessed truth and meaning. It was difficult to recognize at first, as it took the form of wet pastrami in a soiled sneaker, but there it was just the same… beckoning to me to be heard…providing the answers to all of life’s mysteries…telling me the bathroom was two doors down on the right.
It was because of this enlightenment that I was able to draft the following; The Seven Undeniable Truths of Mankind Since 1602 A.D. After waking with a terrible headache, sitting upright in my chair, I finished a Jolly Rancher that I found on the seat next to me and searched my briefcase for a pad of paper and a pen. Upon finding my writing instruments, I began to put said pen to aforementioned paper, acting myself as an instrument through which these truths spouted forth onto my tablet.
There were originally ten undeniable truths that I had penned, but after careful examination, I determined that “Most dogs are onto you” was, in fact, deniable, and that “If you ever find a nickel, invest it and live off the interest” was just plain silly. I tore off the piece of looseleaf where I had written the third omitted truth, “There really are two Gs in exaggerate” and gave it to another of the passengers who looked forlorn. The remaining truths follow:
Tiger Still Not Master of the Interview
Did you happen to catch Tiger’s post-match interview off the 18th green? It was classic Tiger — and not in a good way.
Now that the Master is/was behind him, he went right back to being the aloof, curt, seemingly annoyed interview he always was. The contrition he was forcing (I believe, faking) in the days and weeks leading up to the tournament was but a distant memory. He was again providing non-answers to questions he demonstrably viewed as non-starters or annoying, scoffingly rejecting the very premise of the question. That was fine when Tiger was merely the best athlete in the world; not so much now that he’s under the media microscope and supposedly trying to win back the hearts and minds of the average fan.
Now, he takes some more undefined “time off.” The message I heard from this short, impromptu interview was, “Now that I played nice with you people, and now that the tournament is behind me, and now that I no longer have immediate use for you (the press), I’m going back into my shell…and I can go back to being myself and stop coddling the press. Like it or lump it.”
It was only a two-minute segment, but it spoke volumes to me about how Tiger, despite his mastery as an athlete, still has a long way to go when it comes to managing a message and a reputation.
Sorry—couldn’t find a video embed. But you can watch for yourself here.
Congratulations, America
“We believe that the tax will cost us somewhere between $5 million and $10 million a year,” says Richard Packer, Zoll’s chairman and chief executive officer. “Our profit in 2009 was $9.5 million.”
That would be a devastating blow. Zoll employs about 1,800 people. Roughly 1,600 of them are in the United States, and about 650 of those are in Massachusetts. Once the new tax kicks in, that could all change. “We can’t run this company at a break-even or a negative rate,” says Packer, “so we will be forced to look at alternatives.”
The company’s first option is to pass the increase on to customers like hospitals and ambulance companies. That might or might not work, given that they are coming under increasing pressure to cut their own costs.
The next option is to cut research and development — a short-term, money-saving move that will surely cost Zoll down the road. And a third option, says Packer, is to “look at trying to shift jobs to lower-cost places around the world.” That would be bad news for Massachusetts and the USA.
Dogs Rule – The Movie
Do yourself a favor and watch the whole glorious thing:
On Michigan Winters
Many of us remember our childhood winters quite differently than what we experience year in and year out as adults. If you ask most people in Michigan, they’ll tell you that they remember “snow days” home from school, ice skating in the local park, sledding on the local hill, building snowmen in the yard, having snowball fights with the friends and neighbors. They remember snow on the ground for the entire winter season. But is this how we remember it, or how it truly was?
Nostalgia can play tricks on you. Is it possible that a week’s worth of memories falsely define our childhood winter memories? In other words, winter in Michigan to me means snow on the ground for months at a time, until a thaw in mid- to late March. But what is reality? (Keep in mind how a child’s impression of time is quite different than that of an adult. Three-weeks-’til-Christmas, back then, seemed like an eternity. As an adult, it’s “so much to do, not enough time!”)
A few years ago, a car salesman was trying to talk my wife out of getting four-wheel drive on her new car because “It doesn’t really snow in Michigan anymore.” Oh really? The next two winters were fierce. The snow mounds bracketing my driveway were taller than me…on more than one occasion…in each of the following winters. “Doesn’t really snow in Michigan anymore,” he says.
This winter, we’ve had our share of snow too. Nothing like out East, of course. But it’s been steady and significant.
In fact, if I could describe what a “typical” Michigan looks like, based on my childhood memories, this year would be it.
Getting chilly in December, but we’ll be lucky to have a “white Christmas.”
Steady intervals of snow in January and February…a few inches at at time.
A snow day here and there.
A blanket of six to eight inches of snow persistently on the ground. Plenty of resources available for sledding, skiing, snowmen, snowball fights, etc.
Snaps of cold, but nothing like the multiple weeks on end of sub-10-degree weather that have been the norm the past several years.
A milding March.
Yeah…I’d say this is EXACTLY the type of winter I remember. But if I look back at the past 10-15 years, this winter has been anything but typical. In fact, it’s been the exception.
So what’s “normal”? What’s typical? Does this feel like a typical winter to you? If you’ve complained about it this year, and you’ve lived in Michigan since you were a child, you should have nothing to be surprised about nor complain about. This is how you remember it…and this is as it should be.
If you don’t like it, wait a minute.
Restroom Poets, III
Reader John sends us this submission, apropos my love (disdain) for bathroom graffiti:
Free! Gucci
Not once….not twice….but thrice — all in the same restroom!
(also, “King Z!”)
I’ve been considering all possible explanations:
1.) Someone is offering Gucci wares and apparel at no cost, but only in this particular restroom.
2.) Someone is a liberal activist who is publicly exposing the unfair political imprisonment of one Mr. Gucci.
3.) It’s a complete non-sequitur.
4.) Someone has a really cool band name, and is NOT afraid to share it!
5.) This represents the nonsensical ramblings of a mad man.
What say you?
Facebook Lists
Are you tired of seeing someone you barely know, but who is a Facebook friend (colleague, co-worker or associate), trying to convince you that either Sarah Palin or Barack Obama is the devil through clever Facebook posts?
Do you tire of seeing distant acquaintances post photos of their puppies or babies ad nauseum?
Are you sick of seeing that person, whom you were obligated to connect with on Facebook, trying to sell you something, brag about their company, or talk shop in an industry that is of no interest to you?
Then introduce these folks to the concept of Lists.
I know I’m late to this party, but experience tells me I’m not the last one to it.
For those who don’t know, Facebook allows you to put all of your FB friends in lists. You might have one for friends, another for family, another for co-workers, yet another for obligatory-friend-requests-that-I-accepted-but-now-regret.
What this allows you to do is pick and choose (wisely) who gets to see your status updates, posts, photos, and so on. That way, you’re not tempting fate by posting weekend exploits for the eyes of your co-workers or clients, nor are you boring your drinking buds with posts about work and high finance.
To do this, follow these simple instructions:
1.) Categorize your friends.
From your Home page, click on Friends. In the main content area, you will find the option to Create a List. Be a dear, and click it.
From there, you will be able to add a new list, give it a name (such as “Friend-Friends” or “Work Nerds”), and check off the people you want to assign to that list. Make sure you have darn-near everyone in one category or another. This will come in handy soon…
2.) Send your posts judiciously.
As you’re preparing a post that you think not EVERYONE in your Facebook network should be privy to, notice the little lock icon in the lower-right-hand corner. Be a dear, and click the arrow next to it.
When you click the arrow, a menu will pop up, allowing you to either pick which individuals or groups of people (Lists that you created in step 1) you WANT to share the post with, OR the individual or lists you DO NOT WANT to share the post with.
3.) Check Privacy Settings.
You can even make certain privilege groups (like I did above, with Friends and Acquaintances) your default setting, whereas now it is likely that your default is “Everyone” gets to see everything. To change this and other settings that allow certain people to see certain things, look under Account in the top-right corner of any Facebook page and click on Privacy Settings.
4.) Check you work.
This only works if you set up your lists correctly. Before you start employing this practice, make sure you didn’t put your boss in your “Friends Who Come to My Keggers” list, and make sure your 10-year-old niece isn’t on your “Dirty Joke Lovers” list.
Now, please. Embrace this concept. You will annoy far fewer people who care very little about your political tirades; you will be in far less danger of putting your professional reputation at risk; and you will be doing your part to clean up the clutter in your “true” friends News Feeds.
YOU ARE HERE.
And where else would you rather be?
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THE NIX FIX | the whiz dumb of tom nixon 